The big, fat turd that has been hanging over my head since I was a teenager has finally dropped down and released its unsavory stench on an unsuspecting public. I will stockpile as much toilet paper as I can and try to wipe away the stains that have haunted me since childhood, and watch in amazement as my fellow americans succumb to the criminal masterminds and their ungodly plans. Things have changed, folks, and not for the better. The war on Terror has nothing on the invisible world of germ warfare. Remember to practice "social distance" as you roam around our new and evolving smart prison.