Well, somebody get me a doctor cuz I’m feelin sick
The fever I’m feelin is startin to shrivel my dick
My head is still poundin from drinkin too much
My body is achy and cold to the touch
Well, maybe a bottle of whiskey just might do the trick

Well, somebody get me a banker cuz I’m feelin broke
I spent all my cash on all of the crap I can smoke
I spent all my money on getting too drunk
I’m feelin so funny, I smell like a skunk
Just throw me the punchline cuz I’m the one who’s the joke

I’m tellin you all that I’m sick of it all
If I don’t have a quarter, I can’t make the call
When things get too rough, I just stare at the wall
And I think about women and drugs and the friends that I love

Well, somebody get me a lawyer to scream at the judge
It seems that I always get stopped by some cop with a grudge
He tells me I’m lyin, yes, I’m always wrong
While drinkin and drivin, my breath is too strong
I tell him that I ain’t a drunk, I just like a good buzz

Well, somebody get me a woman cuz I feel alone
I’m tired of beggin, please throw this old doggie a bone
Someone to love me and settle me straight
One who won’t bitch if I come home too late
Someone who won’t raise a fuss if I wanna get stoned